Now let me start out with saying that I am not asking for people to feel bad for me but I find that putting things down on paper/blog is a good way for me to free myself from these feelings. So don't read this, I don't really care but this is for me.
Over the last few weeks I have struggled to "find" myself. I don't feel like I really fit in any more. I don't feel like I have a true friend, someone that I can call and talk to about every little sad, happy, scarey etc. moment in my life. I even feel myself distant from my husband. As if I don't feel motivated to do things with him. Sure we spent a week together but he ended up sick the entire time and so we really did nothing. Not that I will complain about getting 12+ hours of sleep!!! That was pure magic. My hobby has become my business, I don't have co-workers to listen to or talk to any more, and I miss my husband. I need to find something that makes me, well ME. I have thought about going to school. What will that really do for me? I have thought about working again. Why should I work to pay day care? I have thought about so many things but just can't seem to pull myself out of this hole. Right now I am a mom and a wife but do I really have a place? Do I really belong. If I was gone would people really miss me? I watch others around me find connections with each other and that is just it I WATCH. I am not the same age or not in the same place in life and I just well............ sad to say feel left out. I am a grown woman, why should I feel left out? The truth of the matter is I do. I feel like I am always on the outside looking in.
SO after that cry fest I am going to do something for me. The way I am going to find myself again and to be happy is to do something for someone else every single day. I am making it a goal. It can be a note, a little gift, a letter in the mail, a fresh baked treat..............well anything really. I am also making it my goal to reconnect with my husband. With all the pressure in life I think we have been so focused on fixing all the problems around us that we forgot that we need time for just us. Jason loves golfing, playing video games, watching movies etc. I think it is about time I learn to golf, find a game we can play, watch movies I really don't want to watch. Lets see how this goes. Lets see if in 3 weeks I can turn my outlook around. Feel a little more secure. Feel like I belong.
I hate feeling this way. I hate that I am complaining. I hate crying about it! So I am changing it. Here is to new friends, here is to motivation! and here is to kicking this horrible mood!
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4 comments:
Amanda, I hope that you know I am always here for you. I am feeling a lot of these same things that you are feeling. I know that I haven't been the greatest friend..but I can promise you that I will always be there to listen if you need me. This blog post has opened my eyes because I really haven't been there for you and I am sorry about that. I really feel terrible.. I want to be someone you feel like you can tell anything to. I thought I was, and I am realizing that I haven't done a very good job of that. Just know that I love you so much. You are an incredible woman. I look up to you in so many ways. I am sorry that I have let you down. I know you will deny that I have..but I feel that I have. I am going to try to change my outlook as well. We miss you guys. We feel so out of the loop now being in Springville. But it's really not that far.. and anytime you need us? we will be there. Hang in there! We love you!
Chloe I love you so much and so grateful that you are part of our family. I will need to tell you the real story behind this post and you will understand. I am sorry you are feeling some of these same feelings.........it isn't fun and you are best and I love you!
Amanda, I'm sorry things seem to be so difficult for you right now. But know that you are not alone. I think every woman goes through this at least once, if not many times, in their lifetime. Nobody ever seems to want to talk about it, so many of us feel like "it's just me" when it's not. We wear so many hats: wife, mother, sister, friend. And we forget sometimes about the needs and desires of "me." You are wise to take the course you talk about in this post: embrace the power you have to make change for yourself in your life. It might be as simple as enrolling in an institute class, or making more of your talents and abilities by expanding your home business. If there is one thing I have learned from getting this old, it is that nothing stays the same for long - change is just around the corner. And you know, I think you're pretty amazing.
Sweetie, you definitely need to find things for you to do for you. You need to make time for yourself, and time for you and Jason. You need to have an outlet, and you need to feel as if you belong. With that being said, I really think that you do belong, you are very, very, very loved, and you are an incredible support and piece to our family. I love you so much. If you ever need to talk or vent, please call me. We can talk, laugh and cry together. I love you!
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